Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to let my kid play basketball w/ kids that are 6 houses away?  Why?  I'm not a nutcase, I was not a sheltered child in fact I probably had too much freedom.  I was not abused, or kidnapped so what's the big deal?   It's six houses ya freak, just let the kid play and chill out, he's fine.   I have to keep telling myself over and over.

We were taking the dog for a walk the other day, me and my youngest son(10).  He was riding his bike, I was walking the dog, it was a particularly beautiful day for Michigan in February, 40ish degrees and sunny.  We have a pretty big "block" that we like to go around and we were on our way back, on our own street.  He was a bit ahead of me, about a house away, there were some boys his age playing basketball and they asked if he wanted to play.   At first he wasn't sure if they were talking to him so he didn't answer so they asked again.  He looked at me, "Mom..can I?"  I'm in a quandary at this point, what do I do, what do I say, should I say yes? I don't know any of these kids, I do recognize two of them that live kitty-corner behind us, but I don't really know them.  My brain is working overtime feels like 10 or 15 minutes, it's actually only seconds..then it hits me. MY PHONE!  That's it, I'll let him stay and he has to take my phone so I can call and tell him when to come home, and of course to protect him in case of kidnapping, pedophiles, deviants, bullies, ninjas, vampires or whatever other serious shit he falls into.  Wait!  I don't have my phone, shit! It's on the charger!  OK, "tell them that you have to go get my phone and then you can come back and play basketball".  "Ok Mom, where is it?  I'll just ride home and get it and come back!"  This kid LOVES basketball , he's so excited right now he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry and the fact that I'm gonna let him play somewhere that far from home and ride his bike back home all by himself...I bet he thought he won the freakin' lottery.  So I tell him, "No, I'll get it, I don't want you walking through the house in your muddy shoes".  Son: "I'll take my shoes off!" Yea right, since when have you ever remembered to do that before? Ok, fine I give in, go ahead.
Off he goes, I'm close enough to still see him but walking, about the time I get to the house he's been in and out and has my phone.  He takes off and I follow him a little ways, so I know he makes it there alright, he kept looking back at me to see what I wanted.  LOL  Poor kid.  Finally I walked back to our house, even the damn dog was confused, she couldn't figure out why the hell the kid was going that way, and we were going this way.  She kept looking at me like, "uhh hey...idiot, you left the kid, you don't leave the kid."  We got back home, and I tried to keep telling myself not to have a panic attack, he's fine, he's only 6 houses away, just chill.  He played for about a half hour and dinner was ready so I called him home.  I swear he was at the back door before I hung up.  Good boy.  And I took a deep breath and had a wine cooler.

Why am I like this?  I'll tell you why, because I've watched too many damn shows on TV, or movies about kids getting kidnapped, or killed.  I try not to watch them, but it seems like every day there's some news story about some similar thing.  They've got me scared to death, there's freakin' kid stealing ninjas lurking around every corner.  As I'm typing this there's news stories popping up on the sideline that I can paste in.  Were there less when we were kids?  I know the whole "Adam" saga was relevant to my childhood he was the same age as me.  Were there less instances or did our parents just not hear about them as much because they didn't have internet updating them on everything, all the time, instantly?

We lived in the country, around a lake, everyone knew everyone and all the kids rode the same buss went to the same schools and were mostly friends.  There was a little party store about a mile from our house that had penny candy, we'd walk there a lot, or ride horses there, or whatever.  We waded in the creek, we swam in the lake, or my best friend's pond.  We rode our bikes all over the place, we never even knew what bike helmets were, or riding helmets(horseback riding) , those were for showing horses English and that was it.  We were saddling horses and riding when we were LITTLE, by our selves!  I learned to saddle(an old, heavy western saddle) a horse from my friend, who learned it at camp, I was 10! We saddled them and rode them all over the place all the time, w/ no adults supervision at all.  My Mom and stepdad worked full time, my BFF's Dad did whatever...some farming..some bicycle races..I never did know what his job was..I think he was on disability.  Once we rode so far we got lost.  We were gone for hours, no one knew where we were, no one was looking for us, finally we let the horses lead the way and we made it back before supper and that's all that mattered.  We played outside in the dark, we caught fire flies, we did stupid things and lived through it...why can't it still be just that easy?

I'm on the left w/ the black mare, I was about 12 in this picture, yeah, I was wearing sandals and shorts to go riding.  Yep we had matching shirts too...how cool were we?

"Mom! You might want to get a towel..."

"What the..?...Why do I need a towel?"  I was dosing in the chair while my son and his friend that's staying over were playing.  They were playing right behind the chair I was sitting in, I know this because I could hear them.  I wasn't all the way asleep, but I wasn't all the way awake either.  Their both 10 so it's not like they need me to keep an eyeball on them every second.

  Let's rewind the day a bit.  This morning I was up at 6:30 as usual(because my internal clock thinks I'm a damn rooster), and I was surprised to walk to the bathroom in the dark house to see that  the door was shut and the light was on.  Hmmm...so I listened and nothing, just reaching to knock on the door and my youngest son pops open the door. "Hey Mom...I woke up REALLY hungry but I felt like I might puke so I went in the bathroom just in case."  Okay...blah blah blah mutter mutter...only half awake..."great, hope you feel better..."  After he ate he said his stomach was hurting a bit...he does have some mild food allergy issues so I gave him a Benedryl.  He had a basketball game this morning, so he played that, and played HARD, I swear he was playing tackle Basketball out there...YIKES!

I know this is really blurry, but he's got that crazed look on his face.

 At least I didn't see any other Moms giving me dirty looks.  He's one of the few kids on the parks and rec league to obtain a technical foul..Eeep!  "Uh...son, you really can't slam the players from the other team into the wall...it's not allowed."   Afterwards he said his stomach was hurting again.  So went home dropped him and DH off and ran to the store and got some Vernor's, he drank some, ate some lunch, felt better.  His friend came over to spend the night, and we're good.

Til just now, I'm dosing in the chair, minding my own business, their playing Hot Wheels behind the chair, he sneaks up on me..."Mom! you might want to get a towel...!"  Me: "What the?! What do I need a towel for?"  Son: "you MIGHT want to go look in the bathroom".  At this point I'm thinking...Hell no I don't want to go look in the bathroom, cause whatever the hell went wrong in there, I'm really not in the mood to clean up and WHY can't you people ever think to go get your father when this shit happens?  But I just daisedly follow the child to the bathroom.  Once again the light is on and the door is shut.  So I look at him, he looks at me, and he says..."no one's in there, I just shut the door cause it was gross."  My brain says, Oh shit.  "Okay son."  So I open the door and THE MOST HORRIBLE odor wafts out...OH DEAR LORD and baby Jesus..what the hell! Pretty sure I said "What the hell?" out loud, the poor boy says..."I had to puke and I thought I was done so I started to get up and it just shot out and I missed...sorry Mom".  Well at least he said sorry...then he says, "but I finally feel better, I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later."  OH. My. God.  did it ever, that was the nastiest puke I've EVER cleaned up, I have four kids, I've seen it all, and what they haven't puked up the dog has, I thought I was immune to puke for a lifetime. Hell, I've reached out to catch it so it didn't get on my couch, carpet, car seats, etc...(not from the dog of course...cause Euwww).  This... THIS was some NASTY shit!  I was in there thinking to myself, I don't need a fucking towel, I need a damn HAZMAT suit!  I don't think I've gagged while cleaning up puke since I was a teenager, I'm telling you at one point I wasn't so sure that I was gonna hold it down.  Pretty sure I used half a roll of paper towel, half a LARGE size can of Lysol wipes and half a can of Glade air freshener to get rid of that mess...EUWWW!  Paper towels are expensive, I'm like the paper towel Nazi, I'm stingy w/ those suckers, but NOT today, it wasn't worth it.  Got the bathroom all disinfected and the boy comes out a few minutes later and says.."thanks for cleaning that up Momma, sorry I made a mess."  Awww how can you be mad at that, poor guy.  "It's okay son...sometimes that happens, don't worry about it, glad you feel better."

Let's talk Girl Scout Cookies

You know it's that time again...actually it's getting past time, it's taken me this long to get around to this.  You know it's time because everyone you know who has a daughter is bugging you about Girl Scout Cookies.  It's all over facebook, it's in front of every store you visit, and of course there's a ton of folks at work who want you to buy from THEIR kid.  I had one guy at work as me if I would buy some from his daughter, and I said "no" and he started whining (really!) and said..."awww come on, she's the cutest little brownie ever.."  Believe me it took all the control in my body to not tell him what I really thought(but I do have to work w/ this guy).  I just said "no thanks", when I really wanted to say, "Listen Jackass, First of all I don't want the stupid over priced ratty ass cookies.  I can assure you I don't think you're daughter is as cute as you think she is, and guess where she learned to whine like bad brake pad?  Hmmm. Second of all, my daughter was a Brownie an quit because her leader was a FLAKE extraordinaire and SHE was obviously the cutest little Brownie ever...DUH! So get t' steppin' and don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya!"

 I get it, it's their biggest and bestest fundraiser, but here's my beef w/ the situation.  THEY ARE SUCH A RIPOFF!!  It seems like every year they get MORE expensive and you get LESS cookies.  When I was in high school they were $2.50 a box, sometimes before that I remember my Mom paying $2 a box.  They went up to $3 a box, and then $3.50...are they still $3.50?  Shit they're probably up to $20 a box at this point, and you get two cookies!

The only ones I really like are the Samoas, and until last year I had no other choice but to bend over and take it up the tail pipe and pay for the little pieces of chocolate, caramel, coconut heaven.  I would go through the cookie isle just hoping, cause hell..you can buy knock-offs of all the other disgusting cookies...why not the Samoas?  So as I kept looking and hoping one day I saw these:

I tell you I nearly PEED myself right there in the isle...DEAR LORD has it finally happened?!  So I bought me a box for ...wait...you won't believe this...$1.99!!!  I grabbed those suckers and I didn't even pay for them before I opened them and ate one, I admit it.  Guess what?  They are Samoa heaven! No more $3.50 a box for 9 tiny ass cookies, no more stuck waiting til cookie season, no more having to buy several boxes to hopefully make the last more than a weekend(remember I have four kids).  In my head I'm picturing the war scene from Braveheart..you know the one w/ Mel on his horse screaming, "FREEEEEEEDOM!" I have been liberated from the Girl Scout Monopoly!  Look at these lovelies!

That's 3 columns of 6!! You actually get 18 cookies!

You know you want one!

Is it a good program, Girl Scouts?  Sure, probably w/ the right leader, but was does having them pimpin' cookies really teach them?  How to be a good sales person?  How to get your parents to take the order form to work so you don't have to do anything?  How to achieve the shitty dollar store prizes?  I don't know...but I'm  not buying them.  Next time I see them, I might give them a cash donation, if I have cash, but I won't be buyin' cookies.

Tale of two vehicles

We drive two OLD vehicles(2000 Safari van, 1998 Camry), cause we are broke and can't afford car payments.  SO when things go wrong you have to pay for it.

 Yesterday I was at work and one of the customers came in and ask me,"is that your red Camry out there?"  I said, "Yep...why?", Customer said.."there's an exhaust pipe hanging pretty low on it.." I said, " Oh ...yeah, I know about that, I was hoping  you were gonna say it was on fire, or someone was driving off with it"..he chuckled I just sighed.  Yep, the muffler has been bad for a while, at first it was just a hole in the exhaust pipe, probably should have gotten it fixed then, but that would be TOOO easy. It also has an oil leak, like a quart a week!  I told my husband, "I'm single handedly polluting the world one parking lot at a time!".  I figured by the next time I need an oil change it'll be all fresh, at a quart a week, we've gone through almost 5 quarts already.  Thank God Valvoline does free top offs.  Money of course is always an issue.  So I'm driving home last night, and I can hear it dragging. PEACHY.  I pick up all the kids at their various schools and by the time it I get to my house is really a LOT worse.  Of course it's too hot to mess w/ at that point, so I go in, cook dinner post about my shitty luck on facebook begging someone to come over and detach it the rest of the way so it's at least not dragging.  That didn't work.  This morning I have no choice but to use it to drive the kids to school because my van was in the body shop due to my husband breaking it. (Yes..it took a year to be able to pay the damned deductible to have it fixed)   I have two teens that start school early, and two younger kids that go a bit later.  Before taking them, I run out in my grungy clothes, because it's 40 degrees and muddy/rainy outside and try to reach the damn thing and just yank it off.  I really wasn't too concerned w/ breaking shit because it's already no good.  Didn't work, it may be dragging but it's SOLIDLY dragging, and ain't gonna fall off!  Of course, just my luck.
 Well guys I guess we're going to school like this, did you want me to stop 4 blocks from school and just walk the rest of the way? Boys:"nope, we don't care Mom!" Really, because I personally want to stop and walk the rest of the way.  Drop off one, then the other, go over a few speed bumps in the school parking lots, dragging, bumping, clunking...oh this is attractive. On a side note, I did actually put jeans on this morning, just in case, so I wouldn't be in my jammies if something happened. Get back to the house...Oh Fuck! It's also trash day...go do that, thank God the neighbors remember this shit, cause mine would never get put out if their's wasn't out first.  Feeling more and more stressed knowing I have to drive the damn car any further today, the kids are loud, the dog is loud..AHHHHHHHHH!  CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!  Get the littles in the car and head off again, muffler dragging, kinda like fucking jingle bells if you're twisted enough to see it that way...the car is red after all.  All I need is a damn Santa hat!
 This is Michigan, and we have potholes...hit a few unavoidable ones..well it's either that or slam into someone  else head on, so I opted for the potholes.  Just when I didn't think the damn car could get any louder, it sure did.  Louder, and noisier dragging, fabulous.  Got the youngest son dropped off, still had the daughter to go, almost to her school and I can't stand it anymore.  Luckily my Mom lives really close to her school, so I whip into Grandma's and ask if I can use her Jeep to quick run DD to school...no problem. Thank God!
 Drop off baby girl, go back to Mom's call the body shop to see if my van is ready, and by the grace of God it is! Thank you thank you, you have no idea!  So my stepdad gives me a ride to the body shop, pick up the van and compared to the car it is GLORIOUS...so quiet!  It's clean, they vacuumed it, and it smells nice, and it's quiet, and quiet...I drove without the radio on for the first 10 miles just because it sounded so nice!  Then I had to go feed the horses and clean the barn, and rush back home so I could make it work on time and it's not even noon.  If it weren't for bad luck we'd have no luck at all.

Valentine's Day...why not blog about it?

The holiday that sucks.

I'm not single I'm married...for a long time, or at least it feels that way.  I don't really care for Valentine's Day, I think it's stupid, but somewhere in the back of my mind there's that teenage girl that's a hopeless romantic that is hoping for something amazing to happen on that day.  Of course that girl gets shit on all the time, so she gets smaller and smaller every year.  I also have four kids and I'm really really sick of the stupid parties.  All of them have outgrown it now at school except the youngest, my daughter.  

I'm not quite sure how it happened, I'm clinging to the temporary moment of insanity theory, but I volunteered to help w/ Valentine's brunch for her class(and another class, the teachers kind of co-teach).  WHAT the hell was I thinking?  I really need to not sign this shit when I'm not paying attention.   My daughter signed me up to bring two dozen eggs, great..I should have just left it at that.  Drop off eggs..my job is done.  Oh no. I signed that little slip of paper saying that I would be there from 8:30 to 10:00 in the morning.  First mistake.  

So V-day morning I get up late, my oldest son didn't want to brush his hair(he's 17) because he wants dreadlocks and I think that's utterly stupid and told him until he's 18 his head belongs to me, dreadlocks=shaving your head while you're sleeping.  He was being a shit about it, so I brushed his hair(it's long, like, past his shoulders) and I WAS NOT nice about it, my daughter would have been screaming, but he was trying to prove a point I guess cause he didn't make a peep.  Then he didn't want to drive, he's got his learner's permit and has to do 50 hours of driving in 6 months.  SO we were late getting moving, so it made me late getting back, so I can take the little ones to school.  My daughter wanted complicated hair do, her hair braided into a heart and then pony-tailed, similar to this:

This isn't my daughter, it's from this blog

So it took me a while, and we left late of course.  I at this point was feeling a little overwhelmed, I was frustrated that I didn't have the kid's Valentine's cards from us ready for them in the morning.  I didn't even really know what I was going to do for them for V-day yet, and I knew I was going to be at DD's school til it was time for me to leave for work, then after work I had to take her directly to practice, so there's NO chance I was gonna have any time to do anything at any point.  I don't do much, but they always get a card and it's always on the table in the morning.  GRR!  

Get to school ALMOST on time..so close!  Then I find out, we are COOKING all this food, and they aren't even eating until 10:00 WHAT?!  Now let's just stop here a minute.  "All this food"  you know all those over achieving moms that go all nuts for this type of crap.  I'm not one of them.  Teacher says bring 2 dozen eggs..that's all I'm bringing..not 2 dozen eggs, and 2 dozen hand made cards, 2 dozen painfully perfect cupcakes..etc.  So I'm standing around along w/ the 10 other parents who signed up for this shit w/ their eyes closed..Ok maybe 5 of us did that, the other 5 LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.  I'm standing around waiting to be assigned a task.  While I'm standing there I'm looking at the food we are about to prepare for lets say 48 second and third graders(rough estimate).  There are 5 and a half DOZEN eggs, at least 14 boxes of French Toast sticks, several dozen muffins, 5 bags of bagels, 2 bunches of bananas, 10 lbs of apples, 5 pounds of sausage, salsa, sour cream + more.  THEN the teacher sends one of the parents out to buy MORE sausage and bagels!  WTH?! These kids are NOT going to eat all of this.  Some of the parents brought in griddles to cook eggs on, great.  Guess what? There are not enough plugs in the hall, so they have to cook in the library.  One of the griddles has a grease well, w/ channels along the sides to catch the grease.  Apparently the parent that was cooking eggs on that one, didn't realize that it needed to be hot BEFORE you pour the runny eggs on, because the eggs wen running down the channels and out the bottom and onto the library carpet...Nice work.

So there are three griddles going cooking the 5 and a half dozen scrambled eggs.  Two microwaves going cooking French toast sticks(Yuck! if you don't cook them in the oven they are nasty), 5 crock pots going to keep everything warm once it's heated up, and 9(cause I was not one of them) parents running around like chickens w/ their heads cut off.  This was sincerely THE most unorganized party I've been to yet.  I had to leave at 10:00 to go to work, so I have no idea what time the kids finally ate, but my daughter's lunch came home untouched, so I imagine it was about lunch time.  Why do they need this much food?  The picky little shits are gonna take one look at it most of the food and go.."euuwww I'm not eatin' that!"  or they'll pick on the kid next to them FOR eating that.  

Go to work, I love work, there are occasionally kids there because I work retail, but I'm not their mother so I only have to deal w/ them for a short time and then the little beasts go home...Thank you God.  One of the girls got us all small boxes of chocolates and one of the guys got all us girls small boxes of chocolates *happy face*.  One of the girls got roses from her husband..she's the nicest person I ever met, so I guess she deserved them more than me...*evil grin*   I had decided I was just gonna get the kids a card and put $5 in it(because I usually get them chocolates, which they evidently don't really care for cause I always see them sitting around for days uneaten, Blasphemy I know..uneaten chocolate)...however I left the $20 I was going to change out at work, at home.  DAMN DAMN And DOUBLE DAMN...where the hell am I gonna get change?  Not to mention I didn't even have the cards yet.

  Leave work, still stressing about getting change AND cards..uh huh 4:00pm on V-day...not smart to wait this long.  THE ONLY place to stop on the way home between work and getting the kids is Dollar General in the hood... or dear Lord why did I wait this long.  So I stop in there, pull out my nines and walk in w/ guns blazing...Oh...wait, different story...AMAZINGLY there are four cards that'll do, and one funny one for my husband...I loved that card(on the outside it had a bunch of flowers and said, "This card will bring tears to your eyes" on the inside it said.."Because I farted in it!  Happy Valentines day anyway"  ROTFL!.  I also managed to grab the $20 on the way by my house and they gave me change.... HALLELUJAH!!!  Dropped my daughter and her friend at practice, dropped my 3 boys at home, went back to practice and finished the cards.. .V-day saved!  Got home, gave the kids their cards, gave the DH his.  He says.. "I didn't get you anything.." I say, "Oh, yes you did, you got me Breaking Dawn...just what I wanted!" (I bought it for myself of course)...He made a pouty face.  Ha ha ha..butthead..no more shitty V-day gifts for me, I'll just buy what I want!  I half thought about sending myself flowers at work, but I thought he MAAAAY have done that...of course I was wrong.

Why God made women...

SO many reasons...but I've thought of a few today.

Without us they'd never be able to find anything...man walks to the edge of a room..quick glance around.."Nope! I don't see it, I guess I'll go buy a new one".   Woman walks into the room, picks up one thing...yep, right there.

Without us there would be no babies for obvious reasons, but lets just assume for a minute that men had to be pregnant and birth babies.  They'd never make it that far.  EVERY pregnancy would automatically be prescribe bed rest, simply because they were tired and didn't feel good.  Maternity leave would be 5 years long because there'd be no way they could get their shit together enough to go to work AND deal w/a baby/toddler/preschooler.  McDonald's would be overrun w/ dad's and little kids at every meal time, because   'who can watch the baby and cook at the same time'?  

 What the hell would they do w/ a period? They have no idea that once a month we feel like our uterus is trying to claw it's way out of our bodies like that scene in Alien.  Having to walk around w/a mattress between your legs or the equivalent of 14 cotton balls shaped like a dick shoved up your crotch to staunch the flow.  Being terrified of a blow out while wearing light colored clothes.  Have ZERO..yes I mean ZERO(I know it's really REALLY hard for men to understand) interest in sex, as a matter of fact if you get to close to me you may just lose your favorite(yes...we know it's your favorite) appendage.  Uncontrollable urges to eat mass quantities of chocolate, more cramps, feeling like you need a nap all day, every day for a week, no emotional control...it's so fun.  If it were up to men, they'd have a one week vacation from life every month.

The shower would never get clean because no one is adult enough to clean it.  The same goes for the toilet and well... most of the house.  However the CAR(truck..whatever) would be spotless.

Appointments would be missed, payments wouldn't get made, the world would be in a state of half-assedness (great word huh!:D)  Life  would go on I suppose...for a while.  

Maybe you're lucky, maybe you have one of those great guys that I hear about, ya know the elusive 'perfect guy'...the rest of us...well we'll just keep cleaning up after the men of the world, cause no one else will do it.

HOLY Crap! She was right.

Yea...I'm addicted to Pinterest, so I've been messin' around on there and saw this sock bun tutorial.  Like this gal I'm also a cosmetologist so I was skeptical.  Of all the tips and tricks we use, this is one we were never taught in "beauty school".  So last night, I figured "what the hell... I got nothing better to do, and no where to go, lots to do tomorrow and I'd be ok w/ some curls for the day".  If it doesn't work, I'll just wash and move on.  This lady used a rolled up sock, hence the name "sock bun", my daughter does competitive baton and Poms so she had a bun form that I bought, which is basically the same thing, only a little thicker and easier to use.  Let me tell ya, trying to roll that thing DOWN my pony tail while rolling my hair around it, was like trying to catch a soapy baby in a bathtub, I have layers, it was everywhere, I was QUICKLY losing faith.  I will admit I only did a half-ass job and gave up.  Good enough. The bun was a mess, there was hair hanging out, it looked pretty bad.  My daughter laughed, "Mom why did you put your hair in a bun to go to bed?"... yea yea...go to bed!  So eventually I went to bed, woke up this morning the bun was hanging half way down the pony tall...I'm thinking, "this is SO not going to work".  As I stumble to the bathroom, I pull out the bun and pony tail, shake my hair out a little bit, rub the morning crap out of my eyes so I can see half way decent and..."HOLY SHIT!  IT WORKED!"

This was only a half-assed job, imagine if I had actually gave a shit LOL.  I'm impressed and totally convinced they should teach this crap at "beauty school".  However, I guess if everyone knew how to do this at home, they would quit going to the salon.  Hmm...like me who needs new color BAAAD, just ignore that part, I also cropped off my fluffy PJ pants.  It's REALLY hard to take a pic of yourself w/ two mirrors and a camera.  I can't believe it's not blurry.