So it's been a while

Still have that full time job, so it's been a while since I've been here.  If you've read the blog from the beginning you know that my husband was battling brain cancer.  Well he lost the battle on December 6th.  It was horrible, but he was surrounded by his loving friends in the end.  The last 2 months of his life were so confusing to me.  I'm not sure how it was for him because he was unable to make sense because of the swelling in his brain.  I wasn't able to attend all his doctor appointments because of my job being new and still being a temp I didn't get paid for time off and we're not independently wealthy.   So I had to pull teeth to get information from the doctors.  He had an incident and ended up in the hospital...his neurologists office told me it could be a week or two for the swelling to go down in his brain and then he would probably be back to normal.  While in the hospital he seemed to be getting worse not better.  I was so confused, the damn doctors wouldn't call me back, the nurses were clueless.  For 5 weeks of his stay in the hospital I had no idea we was going to die soon, that the end was so close, that he would never come home.   Finally one of the doctors called me back.   I was sitting at my desk at work and this douchebag calls me.  I said, "what's going on, where is he at, what is the prognosis?".   He says to me in matter of fact(heartless) voice, "He's gonna die."  So I said, "Well I've known that from the beginning, when are we talking here?"  He says, "I'd say he has less than  two weeks..."  Me: "WHAT!" I managed to get off the phone with him and then I went in my managers office, who also happens to be one of my best friends, and fell apart.  It was so surreal...after that I was contacted about hospice, I had to decide about  a lot of things that he had never talked to me about. It was the most awful thing ever.  He didn't have a will, I had asked and urged and so had his friends, but I guess he thought he had more time, as we all did, and he never got around it.  Hospice was much better than the hospital, they were very helpful and knew a lot more about what was going on. We have this huge family of amazing friends and all were welcome, anyone who wanted to visit him was able.  We even had a Christmas party in his room, and the staff was amazing. We decorated his room with Christmas lights, and paper snowflakes, and pictures of family and friends, drawings from the kids, it was beautiful. The nurses loved going in his room because it was so cheery.  Then nearly a week after the Christmas party one of the nurses called me and I was at work.  She said she didn't think he had much time left.  So I went and told my manager and left for hospice.  When I got there the nurse explained to me why she thought it would be soon.  My best friend Jamie came too for support, and then one of my other besties Chris, showed up.  It was sad, it was agonizing but knowing he wasn't in pain made it tolerable.  We stayed all day, talked about John, told stories of his life, laughed and cried together, the nurses were checking in frequently.  Then one of them told us it probably would be hours or less.   Chris had went down the hall for something and Jamie and I were standing by the bed looking at the pictures when he first stopped breathing.  It was just like a long pause.  Then he started again, so we let out a breath. Then a longer pause...then he started again....then  he stopped.  It was awful, and scary, and heartbreaking all at the same time but knowing he was no longer in pain, no more pokes, no more tubes, no more uncomfortable, made it bearable.  We called the nurse, they checked him and called the time.  More decisions to make, more calls to make...things happened fast from there. The funeral was arranged, a friend of my father in law was performing the service.  I should have asked to hear his service, but I didn't.  It was awful,  he didn't say my kids' names right, he talked about some guy John couldn't stand as being his good friend.  He said out loud that I had asked for it to be short and sweet...WHO DOES THAT?!  Most horrible funeral I have ever been to.  Then as soon as it was over they basically kicked everyone out, I didn't get a chance to talk to anyone...I was SO mad, still am about that.   It didn't feel real for a long time, since he spent so much time in the hospital I just felt like he was still there.  It has started to sink in.  My sons basketball team has started up and usually my husband would help coach, and he's not there. Life goes on of course, kids still need to get to school and activities, I still have to work, but he's not here.